on move on with grace.

Ah it’s been really good year despite of the rollah coaster stuff. But life ain't life without all those crappy stuff, right? What will you tell to your childrens then, “eh i spent my youth just sitting and not trying to do anything or following my heart just because i'm afraid of doing something wrong” ha! Amusing story!.

I've learn for the past 2 years that, no matter how hard you keep others' feelings, trying not to hurt them, there will always people who feel hurt by you, was offended, and always felt they were a victim of your actions. as long as I know, my parents always taught me to respect others, but there are some things beyond my power, that is the opinion of others about me, about what i do, that i couldn't control.

People will judge you, blame you and discredit you, no matter how hard you try to explain to them, they just do. And just now, I let other people down too, no matter how hard i try to not to. And boy i do believe in karma, i'm not God, i made mistake and at a certain point the universe will put me in the situation where i cant avoid from feeling hurting, offended and other things as a reward of my action in the past. I'm fully aware of that.

Well, it ain't life if you cant learn from your mistake. I learn from every single things from everything that I've done. And for everything that has been done by me; it cannot be changed, undone or forgotten. But let me say here, with bountiful, humble, heart open, I’am sorry. I will take it all as lessons learned and move on with grace. Cause i believe there’s always a second chance, or maybe more depend on how long you’ll live (and how gracious God to you) And it's our task not to wasting our time just regretting stuff we did in the past, rather one must using all their energy and capacity to move toward a better ones. 


*up above the Flores sky

on another starting point

Recently I read on one of my friend status on facebook “Why wait until January next year to start things?!” I smirk. It is very common that every of us ending the year with a new to-do list and resolution. Many of us become more serious about life. We plan new courses of action to better our lives. People evaluate their lives and plan and resolve to take action. Every resolution you make on this day implies that you are in control of your self, that you are not a victim fated by circumstance, controlled by stars, owned by luck, but that you are an individual who can make choices to change your life. (Oh the feeling of breathing the fresh new day)

But it is really, necessary? For my whole life I have never made any of lists (I’m not really good with list, actually). I guess it’s not that bad to make some. It makes us stay focus on our goals (talking about minimizing all the dramas in life). But I guess, for me, I'm sticking with the magic of life (what a hopelessly romantic i am). Let life overwhelm me with surprises  for that I pray that everything will go smoothly for my family and loved ones. And of course, its life not a happy ending Hollywood movie, shit does happen in a real life. And I pray nothing but a set of patience, strength, and compassion for all of us, to deal with it.

After all, it is always great to have a momentum. Where you can pause for a while for a contemplating and just be in your own moment, but not for a long dwell as the show must go on.

on people in your life

I can say that family and friends are the most important things behind who i am now. It’s the one thing that truly matters at the end of each and every day, no matter what is thrown my way. But instead of blabbing about how much this sentiment means to me, I’m going to talk about the power of positivity. Because like most, I've gone through my fair share in life, that didn't quite always end up happily ever after. People grow and change and the type of crowd we surround ourselves with can evolve as well. Along the way, you'll find that they are not the one you think they are. Some you think are nice, aren't not actually demonstrated a nice attitude, and some you think that they're such an ignorant turn to be the most amazing caring people. And that’s perfectly okay.

I think that's what interesting about people, they will always surprise you. I cherish these people in my life and decided awhile ago to instead of hate, but learn from them and avoid other negativity walk all over me. For me, i took my chance to get to know people, whether they interesting or not, i guess every individual are entitled the chance. And in the end it's you, who decide anyway. So far, i'm glad for having the experience to get to know people around me, let my self to be inspired by them so that i can learn to be a better person.

Oh, E and I just celebrating our second years together. I must say, it is not easy for both of us. The combination of a lover and friends sometime make us goes "oh" "ah" (not in a sexual way). But i'm glad that both of us giving each other chance to get to know each other more, to learn and to grow. We know people mock at us. Some even don't believe that this will work out. But i'm glad that we both are in the same level of thought against things that are not matter for us. There is a truly special place that is created when you surround yourself with the people you deeply care about, THAT’S what it’s all about. that we shall make it count. 

the best dream I have ever had with my eyes wide open.

Probably there are two like-a-dream events that happened in my life for the past three year, and no, it has nothing to do with romance and finding the right one, it’s about me, myself. One was the Angkor Photo workshop (which unfortunately i couldn't not attend, not going to discuss more, since i'm already move on with the fact that i have to disregard the opportunity), and the second was Sigur Rós concert.

I can’t remember when was I start to listening to their songs, but there was a time in 2011 when I intensely having their music, days and nights. It was a really hard moment. It was the moment when I’m asking about my photography passion. And I found the answer that, I really love doing that, despite so many reason i had in my mind, I’m doing it for myself.  And there, I ventured myself by sending one of my photo series about my journey  And man, it’s not easy to pick the best pictures (especially from your own) since I have no idea what is good and not. Then I started to listen Sigur Rós music, it was actually recommended by a good friend of mine, she said “Pick one band/ musician, that actually can represent your feeling, and the one you think will connect the dots on  your photo story”.

And there I was, listening to their music every night after work, sorting out all my photos, in a dimly light 24/7 internet café. There was a night I kept askin myself “can you actually do this?”, and there was a night when I actually just want to close the entire window in the computer, go home and sleep. But the music saved me; it keeping me focus on my story and photos. And it was the last day on the submission, was listened to Hoppipola while sending the document and ride my bike with lightweight kind of feeling. It was really nice feeling. And yes, I've been chosen to be one of the participants from Indonesia among hundreds other submitter from all around Asia. And that day, I rode my bike to the beach; order a cold beer, submerged my feet into the white sandy beach. It was a good day.

As you might probably know, they (finally) came to Indonesia. It was a magical two hours ,that i'm feeling lost with their music, I feel that I wasn't in the concert building. I can feel my tired eyes screening blankly watching the monitor, I can feel the hot-humid atmosphere in the 24/7 internet café, I can feel that somehow i'm riding my bike and the dogs in my neighborhood running with me in the back, the white sand, the breezy wind, the cold beer, the feeling that I’m somehow alone in the crowd, in a strange beautiful island. Other than that it was an incredibly intense, emotional, and very euphoric point in time. The mixture of sound, lights, visuals, everyone was in their own little world of music, yet we were all connected....it was incredible...almost like a religious experience. 

Both of the dreams was the best dream I have ever had with my eyes wide open, and now i'm ready to move on.

Ps. listening to this while reminiscing the good old time