tentang bodoh

Melakukan hal bodoh tidak sebodoh yang saya bayangkan.

Ya itu yang ada dipikiran sadar saya sekarang. Dan itu bukan hal bodoh!

sebelas tahun yang lalu saya hanya remaja yang berhasrat besar dengan semua hal, dan termasuk didalamnya membina hubungan percintaan (disaat saya hanya mendefinisikan cinta sebagai kamu suka aku suka yuk kita pacaran).

Duduk sekarang saya menutup lembar terakhir masa sebelas tahun saya lalu. Dan hanya satu kata yang bisa saya pikirkan sekarang. Bodoh.

Bagaimana mungkin saya bisa begitu jatuh cintanya pada seorang remaja yang sedang mancari jati dirinya disaat saya juga tengah mencari jati diri saya, kala itu. Bodoh. Dan saya bisa menulis berlembar-lebar hari demi hari dimana saya dan dia melakukan banyak sekali kebodohan bersama. Sangat bodoh. Agak sulit dimengerti untuk saya setelah sebelas tahun. menurut ilmu yang saya pelajari di bangku perkuliahan, sebelas tahun lalu saya itu adalah fase pra remaja, dimana saya dianggap wajar saja melakukan hal bodoh. Entah itu pembenaran atau kebodohan.

Dan sebelas tahun setelah kebodohan itu, saya bertemu kambali dengan remaja yang ternyata sudah begitu mengenal dirinya (Semoga saya tidak bodoh mempercayai apa yang saya lihat). Banyak sekali kebodohan sebelas tahun lalu yang kami tertawakan bersama. Sekelibat saya berpikir, kebodohan yang pernah kami lakukan dululah yang membawa saya (dan dia) ke hari dimana kami berbincang saat ini. Dua orang yang dulu sangat sangat bodoh kini paling tidak sudah tahu apa yang mereka mau.

Ps. Dan semoga tidak ada kobodohan yang terulang :))

Pss. dan kalaupun terjadi, semoga diri saya 8 tahun kemudian tidak akan menganggap ini bodoh :P

moi

taken by Mr. Homer. why do i like this kind of shot?!

"probably 'cause you're weird" (said someone) :P

...

I’ve been not myself lately.

I always love to shoot, maybe since I was on junior high. I’m a visual person. I can imagine some visual things beyond any other people, I guess. I snap what I like, what I feel. I interpret my works with my own thought. I never cared whether people would understand it or not. I just don’t care. I just do what I like.

But for the past couple months, I’m not myself. I do networking to upgrade some knowledge about photography (in this way, I feel this is the right way to learn). In other way, I became very consider what would be one thinking about my works. This lead the way i shoot. I shoot what people expected me to shoot. I try to satisfy what they want to see. Yet I feel if I can do that, I can be just as good as they are.

But lately, I somehow feel that it was so wrong. I miss the way I shoot. I miss looking at my own works and see it the way I used to see. I miss to shoot with my own imaginary. Someone told me that my previous works can be just lucky shots (since I know nothing about photography techniques). What if it's true, that I was just lucky? Does it mean I can’t be good with that?

Before I wrote this, I randomly preview my past works. I feel warm inside. I still remember how I feel on the day I took the shots. And it does feel good. And I think I should just get back working the way I used to be. Do it with my own way. And what about people, should I care, or just ignore them? Well I guess I just let people think the way they think. I don’t mind if they don’t like it, it just a matter of different perspectives. While at the moment, I still can learn a lot thing from their perspectives too.

Oh, I’m not a photographer. I just love to shoot.

...

Tepat saat saya mengantungkan harapan kepada apa yang saya rasa sanggup saya lakukan, dia membuat saya kembali ke persimpangan. Kembali mempertanyakan, apa memang saya tidak sanggup. Kembali meragukan, apa saya tidak berbakat. Seperti balon bulat besar yang karetnya di lepas pelan-pelan, mengempis. Saya mengempis disaat seharusnya plastik bulat berisi helium ini membumbung terikat kencang.

Kenapa ini jadi terasa berat? Karna dia? Karna saya memiliki sedikit rasa kepadanya? Karna rasa itu saya jadi berharap dia tidak membuat saya bediri lagi di pesimpangan? Karna saya berharap dia bisa menuntun saya pada satu jalan. Tapi kembali lagi, siapa saya.

Balon bulat itu memang tidak sebesar kemarin. Tapi saya , kali ini, akan memastikan karetnya mengikat kencang dan kuat.

january at it's random

I haven’t touched my camera since a week or more.

Friend of mine keeps reminding about the photo exhibition plan.

One of the participants has just finished her shoot.

I should go to my home town as soon as possible.

I must finish the unfinished photo slide.

Need more idea for project mono.

…and for the photo-book.

.....and for the photo exhibition.

ghaaa why am i still working at this office btw?!?

never embarrassed something about you like.

These line making me smile. It came from “taxi driver wisdom” a lil black book I found on the aksara months ago. i never bought the book cause its expensive (that day), but i will soon. So never embarrassed something I like. Well, actually I have plenty things about things that I do really like, but found it lil bit odd if I compare with what others interest. So instead of doing the popular “25-things-about-me” I rather do this to share my interest.

 ~ I like music. I can’t play music. But ever since we have mtv channel, I just can’t live my life without it. Oh and I used to skip school for mtv special unplugged shows.

~ I like to make my own karina’s-original-soundtrack-of-the-day lists. And today’s ost is, KT Tunstall ~ Universe & U. its been a week, but I still listening to it everyday: D

~ I like durian. I could eat a big whole durian monthong alone. And I can cleave durian skin, without any help since I was in elementary.

~ I like playing detective. I like the activity of spying and binding all information, detail and analyze it.  I always wanted to be a professional detective, just like in the movies.

~ I like sitting for hours in front of my computer. Browsing, photoshoping, arrange my i-tunes, or just playing solitaire. Sometime I just stare at my computer.

~ I like photography. And why this is weird, it’s because I don’t have a camera. But that doesn’t make me stop taking a pictures or just sitting and adoring somebody’s photographs.

~ I like to drink coffee. But I never had the reason like “coffee cures my nerves”, I just don’t have the reason. And I never drink coffee at home.

~ I like movie a lot. Always association the story with my life. And that’s make me become unrealistic sometime. I can watch the same movie for more than twice.

~ I like the concept of balancing life. My friend telling me that I can’t believe on it until 50’s, but I don’t care.

~ I like to bite my nails. And I can’t stand a day without doing it. I always say that I will put the artificial nail when I engage someday, so I can have a beautiful picture of my nails.

~ I like to read a book while I’m on my urges in the bathroom. And I always wanted to have a book shelve on my bathroom.

~ I like a smart line. I used to take a note on my cell, notebook, even on a tissue whenever I saw/hear it.

~ I like smart people. Smart people are the one who can make me laugh all day with just being themselves. And they, actually, don’t have to be smart.

~ I like to breakdown anything into a small piece and then deduced something from it. And that makes me speak “muter-muter”.

~ I like my stupidity girls. Gad,lis,ry. We never are a real BFF. But whenever we get bored with our own life, we could just hangout sometime and talk about everything as if we’re BFF.

~ I like to eat. I eat anything. Seafood, western, asia, Indonesia, bowels, anything as long as they cooked/steamed/baked/grilled it. I never like sushi, ever. And I lost my appetite when I’m in a mood of love.

~ I like the song Secret Garden from Bruce Springsteen. And somehow I felt like I’m Dorothy Boyd in the Jerry MacGuire’s.

~ I like to dress based on my mood. I can be sporty, girly, boyish, but mostly you can see me wearing jeans, sneaker and jacket that I bought from flea market.  

~ I like the personal quote from one of my friend “Jangan percaya jodoh, just believe that you're in love and that you're willing to keep it that way” and somehow I believe on it too.

~ I like the last guy that I went together with. I think his nice and I would like to know more about him. 

ps: i know it's not 25! im just bored :P