life according to...

..my camera. Yeah well, last year during my trip with E to Jogjakarta I lost my phone. I must tell you that I feel hollow when I found out that it wasn't in pocket. I'm not really sad with the phone itself, but all the images that I've been taken for the past 2 years. That makes me sad. I know some of my fellow photographers (umm they’ll hate it when I said that – so photography enthusiast might be the right words) always mock at me whenever I took something with my phone. They said I’ll lose my mojo thing. I laughed.

What’s not to like about taking images with your phone? It’s light, fast, and easy. Not to mention they have bunch of apps that will makes your images looks prettier.  Since I've always taken black and white pictures, the apps help me with the coloring one. I've always (always) wanted to take a nice color pictures – too bad I suck with the button and stuff from the digital cam, so I set it all in black & white and let the available light helping me do the justice. So there I lost my magic coloring things along with my phone.

And you know what? That’s true. I've been abandoning my cameras ever since I have the phone. After I lost it, it’s kinda of hard to adjust my eyes trough the viewfinder. It feels different.  (and I can hear all my friends are laugh and saying “we told you!”)  I was a bit panicked actually. I’m afraid that i actually will lose it. Fortunately I brought my camera with me during the trip and manage to took some pictures. Usually I will just ignore them until I really want to see it. But last weekend, I asked E to ride me to the photo lab and print some pictures from the trip. And it wasn't bad at all. I still have it. (umm btw we’re not talking about images result from a pro-photographers kind of quality). But it’s fine for me.

Well, one thing I know is..it is really good to be back :)

ps. did you know that holding your pictures in printed format has its own sensation?!

on the songs that never ends

Have you ever had a particular song that relate you to someone or some occasion- that it’s embed deep in your brain and it makes you shivered whenever you hear the song? I do. 

I am quite a typical “my life had background music” kind of person. Every song in my playlist has its own background story, even the one like Begging from Madcon, or lyric-less tunes from Craig Armstrong.

1      SecretGarden – Bruce Springsteen. “I’m about to tell you that I love him, I do. I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is.” Nothing really special about the movie really. I simply like the idea of a sophisticated guy who falls in love to a naïve kind a girl. Sometimes love is just that simple. And this song has been with me no matter how I change my playlist a lot, all the time. Oh and yes, I still watch the movie whenever they play it on tv.

2     All old albums from Alanis Morisette – I was 15^th when a stranger high school girl introduce me to the song. At that time MTV played it over and over again every single day. It gets to the top of the billboard chart. I guess, at my age, nothing more suitable than listening to a quirky black long haired woman with a husky voice singing about love and life in a weird lyric. I still listening to the song that it gets everyone who happen to touch my itunes giving me the “dude what the heck?!”.

      The Police – ah. They’re the best. Not in I browse about them and collecting their poster kind of way. But this was the first album when I actually use (unwisely) my high school tuition to buy their album(s). Whenever I hear their song, I feel happy. I can’t explain why. But my junior-high school era was not that fun. Everybody trying to fit in a group, I had a weird relationship with a guy who turns out wanting me to be (only) his best-best friend but always jealous whenever other guy make approached to me. Such a full of drama for a 16^th years old girl. And there this music, that I listened secretly during class with my walkman, makes me feel happy.

4    Lionel Richie – I can’t remember why I start to listen to his music. I guess my dad (unintentionally) brainwashed me with “Three Times Ladies” every time we’re driving. I remember I went to jogja with train by myself when I was 13^th. My mother gave me some money so that I can bought some souvenir for my family, then I went to Malioboro with my uncle and his family and it end up with they lost me and found me in a music store spending my mom’s money for Lionel Richie’s albums. I still have the cassette btw.

5    Hyperballad,both Bjork and Mocca version – there was a time when I secretly deeply in love with my chat buddy (yes, a stranger I met on the net) and it breaks my heart when I decided to actually stop communicating with him after I found out that he’s in a serious long-term relationship with someone. It crushed me to the bones and leaves me in despair. It’s like there’s this really huge hole inside of me that it makes me hard to breath. Whenever he was online, I was always put myself on an invisible mode and listening to the song. Now whenever I hear the song, it tickles my stomach and makes me smile. I just realize that, I’d never like someone that deep before.

6    Time of my life, BEP – whoever into this song are never actually live in Bali for a long period of time (say 1 year). And yes, they play this song in the bar, every bars, that when you do the bar hooping you will think that you never actually moved from the first bar. They play it 24 hours, even when you're asleep. In the boutiques, shops, gasoline kiosk, taxi, malls, every corner of the island. It makes you feel sick. It makes me feel sick because every time this music was aired I couldn’t help to remember the hangover part I got from taking 9 shots of tequila in a row. Yes, I had (the best) time of my life.

      Caramel, Suzanne Vega – the sweetest tunes that always turn on the creativity (and moody mode) side of me. I remember listening to this song almost a whole month and end up asking one of my good fellow photographer friend to use his abandoned house and my secretary to do a conceptual photo shoot (I guess i was just still on recovering mode from broken hearted and trying to get up). It went well and I realize that becoming a photographer is probably what I wanted (it’s just too many people doing it, and I’m not that talented. So that’s why I’m doing my job now). Oh this is the result. 

          Let’s Go Out Tonight, Craig Armstrong – so I happened to randomly browsing around on the net and found this blog (the blog used to be so dark, with a black background color and slightly lonely moody pictures) and all the pictures kind of amuse me. In a strange way. Like I can actually relate myself to the people on the pictures. Like I know how it feels to be a stranger in foreign land. Like I can feel how the photographer actually enjoys his long-lone-strolling, but he also missed the presence and warmth of another person. This song just suits the mood.  I end up making a short clip with the song and my favorite pictures. Too bad the photographer doesn’t actually like the song, too moody he said.

       City of The Blinding Lights, U2– oh yes you look so beautiful tonight, Jakarta. The only reason why I don’t mind driving (or just walking) late at night around Jakarta. The big sky crapper, lights, giant billboards, night construction worker, the night owl-ers. I once, hear the song at a beach café when I live in Bali, I almost drop a tear cause turns out no matter how awfully disgusting is the city, I missed it. A lot.

      Stay, U2 – Just the bang. And the clatter. As an angel. Hits the ground. Every time you hear any of U2’s songs, you can be assured that it have some deeper meaning. A song that’s, at the first time, sound like a love song, doesn’t need to be about love. Oh and they have the ‘featuring Craig Armstrong” version!

I could go long with the list since I have so many songs that always remind me of something (or someone), from the Katy Perry’s Firework to the Japanese Indie Band, Anatakikou, each bring memory of my life. A sweet memories. 

what is yours?

on august (not so) rush.

For no reason I just want to recap what happen around august. not that it's important moth or something, and I know that new years still in couple of months and I just turn older last month. So I guess i'm just doing this for the sake of, to keep me mental (read, so many deadline and life-list tasks to catch up, need to ramble a bit about life)

So what have changed around august in last few years (well, more like since I registered my own blog)

August 2008 – found out that i love to work more and more. enjoying driving really early in the morning in the JORR highway, fresh air and beautiful mist. 80% of my working collegue was male! Oh and I found out that having a girl friends is fun, considering that I were more prefer boys than girls, friend. got a salary raised and bonus-es. was thought that im way too independent and it scared shit out of some guys who approached me. whenever im upset i just spent out more time in the office and i feel much more better.

August 2009 – trying to balance myself and It find my way back to my old passion, photography. How I really enjoy exploring the life surrounding me tru the lens. Not that I’m a pro one and hell with fancy gears. Also, I found the joy tru having stranger friends from around the world since I used to be an offline person before. I even made some good friends with some people with the same interest in photography. So yeah, many photo hunting or just hang out in some coffee shop and talked about random things. Was fun.

August 2010 – was really busy around the month. Juggled between personal life (read internet social life) and work. Yes, I rarely go out and spent loads of time in front of computer (doing work or just starry blankly at the screen), I slept with my computer on. And never actually turn it off, except if it sounds weird. Had a secret crush with my internet buddy after more than a year having him days and night on the skype, was really fun until I found out he’s NOT single (he never told me, until I asked. Wtf, I know!). Bummer I know, but I told him anyway (for the sake of, yeah my mental sake-again) and never asked him to respond it. So yeah, I chinned up and go back to my routine life (plus the hang out outside the bedroom-more).

August 2011 – contemplate about  my life in the island of god. Life is doing so much great. Had summer fling once a while. It was fun. I was mentally proclaimed to myself that, I guess I can live all by myself with lovely people (and nature) surrounding me. Bought a pink bike. Had a gay neighbors. Lived in a gay-red-light district. Lived with 11 roosters, 1 dog, 1 cat. Spent the weekend in the near resort pool and pretending that i was the guest of the resort. Skiny dip at the nearest beach. Good pizza just around the corner. Friends from around the world. Find the joy in cooking. And never actually locked my door, except if I leave the house (and always keep the key inside my old chuck’s right in front of the door!). It was a really awesome year-away-from-big-city moment for me.

August 2012 – life has been great. Got a decent job. And the most important, health insurance (im getting old you know). Sometimes I feel like I kinda lost in direction but I manage. Also, I found out that it’s okay to be by yourself and it’s okay if you decide to hang out in no other place than your very own room (just to read and snuggle down to watch your favorite movies).  Life is good indeed and I started to saving more now (never to late for saving, said the expert). Oh and the secret crush? He secretly likes me back. :)

in love

You know it's kinda lame every time I want to start to write again. about love. not that I don’t have faith on it. I do. I really do. the thing is sometimes our brains have a different definition of love. A more logical definition, which involves the neural alchemy. The brain treats love like a habit that has been formed over time. So after lust may come love, logically. Or perhaps, some just want to keep it lust, for the fun-non-commitment sake.

To be honest, I’m not really good at it. you see, I used to have this idea of dream love. like a Walt Disney kind of fairy tales. I guess that’s the time when i use my heart more than my brain. Oh I was young back then, so what do you expect. Then by the time i entered the university, things change. I guess at some level, the university term kind of a turning point for some people, in some phase. mine is love phase.

Hmm what are we talking about again?! oh right, love. so yeah, I’ve been there one time. and  my definition of love is becoming increasingly widespread. from just holding hands while walking side by side, to holding hands while walking side by side in any kind of weather. from the butterfly-stomach effect to the top level of awareness to realize that in this world nothing is lasting. including love.

Perhaps what I’m saying here sounds like I’m a cold-hearted kind of person. in fact I’m not. i feel love at the moment. it does feel great. tho my brain and heart seems can't work together, but i manage. you see, loving relationships alter the brain the most significantly. Just consider how much learning happens when you choose a mate. Along with thrilling dependency comes glimpsing the world through another’s eyes; forsaking some habits and adopting others -a good and bad; tasting new ideas, rituals, foods or landscapes; a slew of added friends, family -enemy?; a tapestry of physical intimacy and affection; and many other catalysts, including a tornadic blast of attraction and attachment hormones — all of which revamp the brain. 

And despite what all my brain think or feel about it, I’m glad that my heart still feel it. and yes, it feels warm. and it feels like home.

ps: gosh this like the longest post I’ve ever write -and think about- this year.

pps: damn it feels so good to be in love

ppps:...and I’m looking forward to this :)

...

When you can just shut up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special.

...

...

"one day at a time, this is enough."

...

Just one look at you
And I know it's gonna be
A lovely day...

...

A : i like the pic, nice one.
B : terima kasih :)

funny how sometime you think you can't even imagine how is your life will turn to
and it's been two year now, freaking weird two years
i wonder if one still can remember a little things back in two years
well, i do.

raising my chocolate milk in a cartoon box
and here's for the old time sake
i will always miss august two years ago

...

summer is over, we kiss and we say goodbye
...well i heard you always meet twice in life, so i'll see you guys halfway :)

double u ti

Acong (bukan nama sebenarnya)

Terakhir ketemu dia pas bulan puasa tahun lalu, jam 4 subuh, pulang kantor, duduk di bunderan HI sambil minum sekaleng bir untuk mengisi waktu sahur. Dia tahu saya masuk kategori manusia “weirdo”. Tapi dia (sepertinya) tidak pernah keberatan – kecuali kalau saya (kebanyakan) curhat muluk soal cowok.

Selamat menempuh hidup baru! Sorry i cannot come, You’re gonna be an awesome husband and dad –

you’re always an awesome mate!

*