Hello 2021!

Long, very long time since my last post here. Funny how for the past years i've been trying to looking for some help here and there, on how to conduct my life well - or as they say "balance". while the answer is always within me, always. You know it is so easy to get really lost (at least for me!) in this time of digital era. So many information, fast information, coming and milling about even before you could digest those information. So yes, i admit, i was so lost in the digital life frenzies. Those and postpartum challenges has drag me so deep in the hole that called depression. 

So, me and my daughter have moved back to Japan now. We truly hope that she will find a better facility here. As for me, just around December last year, I decided to go over the things that made me more excited. hobbies, reading, activities, to music and photography, which can bring me back to feeling excited in life. no, I'm not trying to bring back my past life. I just feel responsible for myself, for my own mental health, for the mental health of my kid. Because i believe, nurturing your body, mind and soul is fundamental practice for positive well being, especially if you're a mother. There's no denying that motherhood is the biggest life changing event in a woman's life. Nothing prepares you from it! 

So, here i am come out alive. 

Too much motivational quotes about anger just gets me even angrier.

I know. I may not be a always-in-positive-thinking-and-cheer up-all-the-freaking-time kind of person. Once in a month I gets angry. Once in a random month I feel angry like punching someone in the face. And in between I feel like shouting and yelled. That's me. I once in a while, had a feeling to rip someone's mouth with a scissor.

Will that makes me a bad person? Will that makes me a smaller person? Or like the wise man said "it destroyed you", will it destroyed me? or makes me a weak person?

Well, I'm not a bad person. Trust me. I just think that we, well me and some of you who share the same feeling, should be able to deliver our feeling. The feeling of anger. I don't see the point from holding it inside. Grudging it. Or just ignoring it. I think that's not right. I would like to be able to tell someone that "hey, that makes me angry. Do you think we can sit and discuss about it?"

I just don't understand people who stick with the goddamn quotes and let alone the anger burning deep inside them. I'm not talking about physical abusive anger. I'm talking about  the feeling.

Do you think you will sleep better with that? I know I can't. Do you think that, quoting Ralph Waldo's, for every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness? Because I know that if I can deliver the feeling and let the person know about my feeling so that we both can learn something from it, it will makes me happy.

Cause you know, none of us can read one's mind, and not everyone is given the ability to be sensitive toward one's feeling.

So i guess...get mad, sort it out, and get over it.

somedays

i am happy, i am scared, i am perfectly content and i am blessed.

...

i miss those who always in my heart- in such extreme amounts it actually makes me want to cry.

on dreams

"What will you become or do in 20 years from now?" a friend of mine asked the question.

I was stunned for a moment. it's not that i don't know what i want for my future, but the fact that i have out of my current track kind of dream that scared me to answer the question. 

You see, when you're younger it's more easy for you to shout, i want to travel the world, i want to spend my whole life somewhere in Africa or Europe, i want to be this and that. And time flies, you live your regular life, work, you have a commitment; where sometimes it's againts your will, you sort of stick with what you have now. And suddenly, there's amount of distance between what you have now and what you always wanted. And the world keep spinning, father of time did not allowed you to stop. You live the kind of life where societies label it as normal one. And there, you buried your dreams.

Back to my friend question, my answered was, perhaps I know what I wanted. I know I want to be happy, by all means. I know I want to be happy whether my dream coming true or not. I know that if all that i ever wish didn’t coming true, than that’s the way it should be, for God knows why. And certainly, i will always be grateful.

Oh, me and E just celebrating our first year together. i know him for quite sometimes and never actually dream about this. together we sort of have some dreams and hopes. and they said "you should never fall in love if you don't t want to get hurt". Well, for this one particular thing, i guess i would like to keep the dreams and hopes, and looking forward to what will happen. for whatever will come.

on the songs that never ends

Have you ever had a particular song that relate you to someone or some occasion- that it’s embed deep in your brain and it makes you shivered whenever you hear the song? I do. 

I am quite a typical “my life had background music” kind of person. Every song in my playlist has its own background story, even the one like Begging from Madcon, or lyric-less tunes from Craig Armstrong.

1      SecretGarden – Bruce Springsteen. “I’m about to tell you that I love him, I do. I love him! I love him for the man he wants to be. And I love him for the man he almost is.” Nothing really special about the movie really. I simply like the idea of a sophisticated guy who falls in love to a naïve kind a girl. Sometimes love is just that simple. And this song has been with me no matter how I change my playlist a lot, all the time. Oh and yes, I still watch the movie whenever they play it on tv.

2     All old albums from Alanis Morisette – I was 15^th when a stranger high school girl introduce me to the song. At that time MTV played it over and over again every single day. It gets to the top of the billboard chart. I guess, at my age, nothing more suitable than listening to a quirky black long haired woman with a husky voice singing about love and life in a weird lyric. I still listening to the song that it gets everyone who happen to touch my itunes giving me the “dude what the heck?!”.

      The Police – ah. They’re the best. Not in I browse about them and collecting their poster kind of way. But this was the first album when I actually use (unwisely) my high school tuition to buy their album(s). Whenever I hear their song, I feel happy. I can’t explain why. But my junior-high school era was not that fun. Everybody trying to fit in a group, I had a weird relationship with a guy who turns out wanting me to be (only) his best-best friend but always jealous whenever other guy make approached to me. Such a full of drama for a 16^th years old girl. And there this music, that I listened secretly during class with my walkman, makes me feel happy.

4    Lionel Richie – I can’t remember why I start to listen to his music. I guess my dad (unintentionally) brainwashed me with “Three Times Ladies” every time we’re driving. I remember I went to jogja with train by myself when I was 13^th. My mother gave me some money so that I can bought some souvenir for my family, then I went to Malioboro with my uncle and his family and it end up with they lost me and found me in a music store spending my mom’s money for Lionel Richie’s albums. I still have the cassette btw.

5    Hyperballad,both Bjork and Mocca version – there was a time when I secretly deeply in love with my chat buddy (yes, a stranger I met on the net) and it breaks my heart when I decided to actually stop communicating with him after I found out that he’s in a serious long-term relationship with someone. It crushed me to the bones and leaves me in despair. It’s like there’s this really huge hole inside of me that it makes me hard to breath. Whenever he was online, I was always put myself on an invisible mode and listening to the song. Now whenever I hear the song, it tickles my stomach and makes me smile. I just realize that, I’d never like someone that deep before.

6    Time of my life, BEP – whoever into this song are never actually live in Bali for a long period of time (say 1 year). And yes, they play this song in the bar, every bars, that when you do the bar hooping you will think that you never actually moved from the first bar. They play it 24 hours, even when you're asleep. In the boutiques, shops, gasoline kiosk, taxi, malls, every corner of the island. It makes you feel sick. It makes me feel sick because every time this music was aired I couldn’t help to remember the hangover part I got from taking 9 shots of tequila in a row. Yes, I had (the best) time of my life.

      Caramel, Suzanne Vega – the sweetest tunes that always turn on the creativity (and moody mode) side of me. I remember listening to this song almost a whole month and end up asking one of my good fellow photographer friend to use his abandoned house and my secretary to do a conceptual photo shoot (I guess i was just still on recovering mode from broken hearted and trying to get up). It went well and I realize that becoming a photographer is probably what I wanted (it’s just too many people doing it, and I’m not that talented. So that’s why I’m doing my job now). Oh this is the result. 

          Let’s Go Out Tonight, Craig Armstrong – so I happened to randomly browsing around on the net and found this blog (the blog used to be so dark, with a black background color and slightly lonely moody pictures) and all the pictures kind of amuse me. In a strange way. Like I can actually relate myself to the people on the pictures. Like I know how it feels to be a stranger in foreign land. Like I can feel how the photographer actually enjoys his long-lone-strolling, but he also missed the presence and warmth of another person. This song just suits the mood.  I end up making a short clip with the song and my favorite pictures. Too bad the photographer doesn’t actually like the song, too moody he said.

       City of The Blinding Lights, U2– oh yes you look so beautiful tonight, Jakarta. The only reason why I don’t mind driving (or just walking) late at night around Jakarta. The big sky crapper, lights, giant billboards, night construction worker, the night owl-ers. I once, hear the song at a beach café when I live in Bali, I almost drop a tear cause turns out no matter how awfully disgusting is the city, I missed it. A lot.

      Stay, U2 – Just the bang. And the clatter. As an angel. Hits the ground. Every time you hear any of U2’s songs, you can be assured that it have some deeper meaning. A song that’s, at the first time, sound like a love song, doesn’t need to be about love. Oh and they have the ‘featuring Craig Armstrong” version!

I could go long with the list since I have so many songs that always remind me of something (or someone), from the Katy Perry’s Firework to the Japanese Indie Band, Anatakikou, each bring memory of my life. A sweet memories. 

what is yours?

almost a month full of..

…random Hollywood romantic movies (I know, I’m lame, but I need it once a while), random things I’ve bought (goodbye saving for this month), random procrastination activities in the office (welcoming deadline by the end of this month), random music I downloaded and listened, random places I went with my partner, random things that drives me crazy. Pretty much random (boring, maybe) stuff I did.

..but this particular steady feeling, making me feel content. Well. That’s good I guess.

on one-night stand

As we know that, this particular relationship (can I call it 'relationship'?) lately has become very familiar in our modern society. I’m not judging anyone who actually lives with this type of relationship as their philosophy of life (I had my moment anyway). Just recently, one of my good friends told me that he’s been doing this particular relationship while at the same time he engaged to a really lovely lady, who is also my friend. Was actually shocked and thought that, oh wow yeah, very classy of you buddy. Oh and this has nothing to do with gender, man and woman, can have their equal issue.

So it came across my mind, why would someone having a loveless passionate (well not sure about this being involved, but I assume this also contributed in the activity) night with other person without any string attached? To break out of routine, work stress, alcohol, and adrenalin rush? Or is it the opportunity, for having a non-paid sexual activity with someone who –at least interesting for you at that moment?

I think human beings can not be separated from the temptation of having a tremendous experience without actually thinking about having the responsibility as a couple (or obligation to snuggled, or caressing, or lovey-dovey thingy). To experience other things beside your routine activities; or to feel being a care-heart-less person for one night; or just simply let the alcohol beat your sense for once. I guess in our deepest heart, we wants to feel those feeling, at least for one night. But then again, will you sacrifice your devoted relationship, your common sense, your inner voices just for having a one-night-heartless stand?

i guess everyone -in their conscious stage- realize the consequences. good or bad. it's just, will you ignore it or not?

on august (not so) rush.

For no reason I just want to recap what happen around august. not that it's important moth or something, and I know that new years still in couple of months and I just turn older last month. So I guess i'm just doing this for the sake of, to keep me mental (read, so many deadline and life-list tasks to catch up, need to ramble a bit about life)

So what have changed around august in last few years (well, more like since I registered my own blog)

August 2008 – found out that i love to work more and more. enjoying driving really early in the morning in the JORR highway, fresh air and beautiful mist. 80% of my working collegue was male! Oh and I found out that having a girl friends is fun, considering that I were more prefer boys than girls, friend. got a salary raised and bonus-es. was thought that im way too independent and it scared shit out of some guys who approached me. whenever im upset i just spent out more time in the office and i feel much more better.

August 2009 – trying to balance myself and It find my way back to my old passion, photography. How I really enjoy exploring the life surrounding me tru the lens. Not that I’m a pro one and hell with fancy gears. Also, I found the joy tru having stranger friends from around the world since I used to be an offline person before. I even made some good friends with some people with the same interest in photography. So yeah, many photo hunting or just hang out in some coffee shop and talked about random things. Was fun.

August 2010 – was really busy around the month. Juggled between personal life (read internet social life) and work. Yes, I rarely go out and spent loads of time in front of computer (doing work or just starry blankly at the screen), I slept with my computer on. And never actually turn it off, except if it sounds weird. Had a secret crush with my internet buddy after more than a year having him days and night on the skype, was really fun until I found out he’s NOT single (he never told me, until I asked. Wtf, I know!). Bummer I know, but I told him anyway (for the sake of, yeah my mental sake-again) and never asked him to respond it. So yeah, I chinned up and go back to my routine life (plus the hang out outside the bedroom-more).

August 2011 – contemplate about  my life in the island of god. Life is doing so much great. Had summer fling once a while. It was fun. I was mentally proclaimed to myself that, I guess I can live all by myself with lovely people (and nature) surrounding me. Bought a pink bike. Had a gay neighbors. Lived in a gay-red-light district. Lived with 11 roosters, 1 dog, 1 cat. Spent the weekend in the near resort pool and pretending that i was the guest of the resort. Skiny dip at the nearest beach. Good pizza just around the corner. Friends from around the world. Find the joy in cooking. And never actually locked my door, except if I leave the house (and always keep the key inside my old chuck’s right in front of the door!). It was a really awesome year-away-from-big-city moment for me.

August 2012 – life has been great. Got a decent job. And the most important, health insurance (im getting old you know). Sometimes I feel like I kinda lost in direction but I manage. Also, I found out that it’s okay to be by yourself and it’s okay if you decide to hang out in no other place than your very own room (just to read and snuggle down to watch your favorite movies).  Life is good indeed and I started to saving more now (never to late for saving, said the expert). Oh and the secret crush? He secretly likes me back. :)